Last night was a restless night for me. I found myself waking up every hour from 3:00 a.m. on. I simply could not get Brett off my mind - even in my sleep.
I went to Andrew's baseball practice last night and was talking to two other baseball mom friends. They both have sons that started tee ball. Their first game is this week. These boys are both four years old. Brett was suppose to be on that team, he was also suppose to have his first tee ball game this week. We had it all figured out last year. Peyton, Derek and Brett were going to be on the same team. They played together at every baseball game their big brothers had. Amy, Kara and I were always looking at them play and of course trying to figure out who hit who or who did what. All three were looking forward to when it was their turn to play on the field. I realized at that moment that my little man was not going to have his turn on the field - at least not where I can see it. I silently cried on the way home so Andrew didn't notice and I cried on my way to my friend's house for an evening out with the girls.
I manage to contain myself before heading into Marta's house - after all I didn't want to damper the evening. I even thought about cancelling, but thought a night out would help and it did for a few hours. I had a great time with some old and new found friends. We ate, laughed, drank, laughed, played Wii fit (wow that hula hooping really works those abs!) and laughed some more. One of my best girlfriends Meredith even took a road trip with Michelle to Walgreens to get a Baby Gender test and it said a GIRL. We are so hoping that test is right! Only two more weeks Mere until the ultrasound!
When I left Marta's house around 11:30 p.m., I found myself thinking about Brett's baseball team that he will never be on. How is this fair? I still ask myself "why me"? Why my Brett? I have so many questions and no answers. I am so frustrated!
I got home, went to the computer and pulled up this picture. This is a picture that I took on the way home from California from the airplane window. You see, I wasn't suppose to be on this 6:45 a.m. flight. I took an early flight home because Andrew was sick. I think this was something that God wanted me to see. This is Brett's view from heaven:
What a beautiful view. This in some strange way gives me just a little bit of peace. One day, my little man, I will be walking with you again and holding your sweet little hand. Mommy loves you.