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I took the first step into getting some help. I went to a family grief support center for a "pre-screened" meeting. The kids and I went about a week ago and I have decided it might be something useful for Andrew and yes, possibly myself. They have the kids make some sort of craft and then talk about their loss afterwards. I think this will be so beneficial for Andrew to talk to other children that has experienced such a loss. For Andrew to be able to talk openly and honestly without the pressure of saying something that might spring tears to my eyes will be a great thing for him. Danielle will be able to participate when she is three, which amazingly is less than three months away.

As for me, yes it will probably be good for me, but I am hesitant because me going to this group is reliant on Andrew continuing to want to go and the last thing I want to do is to make him do something he doesn't want to do.

What I think I have figured out is that one on one counseling might do me some good. It's not just the fact that I have forever lost my son, but it's also how I lost him. The car accident, the screams - mine and Danielle's, the ambulance, the sirens, the helicopter, seeing my son's lifeless body being carried out of the van, the hospitals and machines, seeing a grown man doing CPR on my son's chest, the words "I'm sorry there is nothing we can do", the dreadful decision to take my son off life support, watching them remove the breathing tube, "time of death 2:57", agonizing everyday if I did the right thing, should I have waited. No one can fathom what it's like to go through all of this unless you have been through it. I can now see why my pastor said "your life has forever changed. You will never be the same again." It took me a while to get that. I thought I am strong. My dad died, my grandma died and with time it got better. But little did I know that when a child dies, a piece of you dies with them. There is forever a whole in my heart never to be filled again.

So I think I have finally decided to put myself first. I know I have said this before, but I think I have mustered up enough of that courage to make a call on Monday for myself. I guess there is nothing wrong for asking for help - something I have never done.


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