Today has been a hard day. Actually the last two have not been so good. I don't know why. I guess it's the way things go. You never know when you are going to have a crappy day or when you are going to have a good day. I try to fill my days with things to do and that helps until everyone is gone and I am by myself and then all I do is think.
Today I did nothing. Stayed in my jammies all day and sat my rear on the couch. I was constantly looked at the family picture above my fireplace mantle and wished that everything was different. That Brett was here and cuddled up next to me on the couch like he always was. But he's not. Life is really unfair. It's been a really crappy day. But I wasn't the only one thinking today.
Andrew came up to me this evening with a book he called "one of Brett's favorites." The book was Big Brother, Little Brother. Andrew said "I used to read this to Brett all the time. I really miss him." I held him tight and asked if he wanted me to read the book to him. He did. All it took was the reading of the first page before my words cracked, but I managed to go on for Andrew's sake. I finished the story and Andrew begin to cry and buried his head into my chest. I begin to cry, not for myself, but for the pain that Andrew is feeling. I wish I could make it all go away. Isn't that what moms are suppose to do? It hurts to know that I can't do a damn thing about it. I can't just kiss it away or give him a big hug and tell him it will be ok. It isn't ok and I don't know if it every will be.
While reading the book, there was a picture of the big brother helping the little brother do karate and I had a flashback of the picture I took of the boys at Brett's belt testing. My two handsome boys. We love you so much Brett. There is not a single minute that goes by that you are not thought about. XOXOXO.