Mommy's Little Man

One year ago (yesterday) I lost my beloved little man. Brett became my guardian angel. It is truly hard to believe that a year has come and gone and that I have survived it. Has it been easy, absolutely not. Do I ache for my son every day? Yes. How did I do it? I pushed through one day at a time with no expectations for myself. I didn't look to far ahead and sometimes planned things at the last minute, something that is not one of my characteristics, but maybe this is part of the 'new' me.

When you lose a child, your entire world turns upside down, inside out. You feel as if your heart cannot break any further and at many times you feel as if it no longer beats inside you. Your world stands still and you really wonder if you are in a dream, no, make that a nightmare, that you can't wake up from. You tell yourself that if you could just have those few days back before everything went so terribly wrong, you would take them and never go forward.

Brett last few days with us were great. He left us with some great memories. On Friday, we took family pictures outside in a cold, brisk 40 degrees. I was determined we were going to get a good shot of all of us since Chris was home to enjoy in the 'fun'. The kids were troopers through it all. Jackets on, jackets off, 'stop smiling like that', look at the camera, no fake smiles - yeah you get the idea. They were greatly rewarded with Little Ceasar's pizza and hot bread sticks. To them it made it all worth it! Saturday, we went to see Santa and see two live reindeer's and take family pictures in front of a huge Christmas tree and a few haystacks that kids just had to sit on.

It's the day before Thanksgiving. Why is it that Thanksgiving is the day that smacks you in the face and makes you think about why you are grateful. Do you every ask yourself why don't we think about this every day? Now I have to admit, that was me last Thanksgiving. The day that I sat down and thought why I was so thankful. But not any more. I think about my gratitude and my blessings everyday. One of the many lessons I have learned since that dreadful night last December.

So tonight on this Thanksgiving Eve, I thought I would share a few things I am so grateful for:

• God.
• My Life.
• My children.
• My hardworking husband.
• Andrew having his last surgery on Tuesday and that he is finally DONE!
• Raising $1800 to help kick off Brett's Blessings foundation and all the people that helped bake the baked goods.
• Phone calls and text messages to see how my day is going even though it's been almost a year.
• A Safe Place to Heal.
• Journey of Hope
• A friend that got my $700 speedometer repair work done under warranty.
• Old friends that have stuck by me through thick and thin, even though I may be an emotional wreck.
• New friends that don't questions my motives and support me as if they have known me for years.
• Giordani, Swanger, Ripp & Phillips law firm and Cindy Grossman for helping me set up Brett's Blessings foundation and doing it pro bono!
• My neighborhood and the people in it.
• Stonebridge United Methodist Church.
• Facebook - for all the many resources it offers.

My list could go on and on, but then I would be here all night.

I must admit it's hard to be thankful during this holiday because I am still grieving so much and Brett is constantly in my thoughts. The holidays are really tough. The anniversary of Brett's death is soon approaching and Christmas is just around the corner. But what I have realized is that I was given four in a half years of love and joy from my sweet little man. Something that can never be taken from me although he was taken too soon.

So I challenge yourself when you wake up every morning to ask yourself what you are thankful for. Unfortunately, life happens at a blink of an eye. You should cherish the moments - always.

I leave you with this beautiful picture of all three of the kids from last Thanksgiving. So happy and grateful that I have this picture to remember it. Love you Brett. I hope God is saving you a turkey leg.

This has been a rough week and it's only Tuesday. It's the week of Halloween and I am dreading it. My 'first' Halloween without Brett. I didn't buy any Halloween decorations until last week because I didn't think I was going to, but Andrew wanted them so bad and had asked a million times if I was going to get any and I decided to do it for him and he was thrilled with my $10 Walmart decorations.

Today was an emotional day for me. I went to my counselor and got some much needed aggression and tears out for an hour and carried on.

Later in the afternoon, the mom's group that I organize in McKinney (McKinney Mom's Meetup) had an event at Walls of Clay. This is a pottery studio where you can go and paint your own pottery with your children or have a mom's night out and the mom's can paint a piece of pottery. For this event, we took our children to the studio where either a foot or hand of your child is painted and placed on a platter and the art work is done for you. (My kind of deal since I am sooo not an artist). I did this event last year with all three of my children and today I took two. It was hard to not go back to last year. Brett was not the kind of kid that liked his hand painted, (nor his foot for that matter) so getting his foot painted and placed on the platter was not an easy task. My poor little man cried through the entire ordeal, but it was well worth it. I received my platter three days after he passed away . . . three little reindeer's made out of my babies footprints. What a keepsake I will have for the rest of my life, something I would never be able to do again. I managed to keep myself composed at the event and probably spoke Brett's name about ten times to keep things smooth and then I started to crack after Andrew and Danielle did their hand and footprints. I went to the bathroom, cried for just long enough to get it out, and then rejoined the members/friends that were still there.

My day didn't stop there. I proceeded to take my kids to Chick-Fil-A for dinner. I couldn't resist since after all it was for a good cause, Baker Fundraiser Night, 15% of all purchases from 5 p.m. to 8 p.m. went back to Andrew's school and the kids were so good after sitting at the studio for 3 hours. I walked in, order our meals, sat down and realized I had not been at that Chick-Fil-A since the Burdick Family Fundraiser was held. Chick-Fil-A held a fundraiser for an entire day that was for my family and hundreds of people came out to support my family. It was amazing to me to see people walk in with flyer's already in their hand to give to the cashier after they paid. A lot of these people were total strangers.

The kids and I came home and Eileen and I started watching The Biggest Loser. This season has one particular contestant that I was immediately drawn to from the start. Her name is Abby. You see, Abby lost her husband, her 5 year old daughter and her 2 week old son in an automobile accident 3 years ago (2.5 years from the seasons taping). When I first heard her story I immediately thought 'that could have been Chris. His entire family could have been gone in the blink of an eye.' I never thought about that before until Abby's story. I always thought 'Why Brett and not me'? I still don't have that answer, but I do know that Andrew and Danielle need their mommy. Andrew told me that last week as he hugged me in the pantry while we were getting snacks to pack for his lunch. He said "Mommy I am so glad you weren't hurt in the accident." It was totally out of the blue and my heart jumped. Maybe that's why it wasn't me.

Abby has found strength in herself to want to "live and not just exist". Sadly as I watched through my tears, Abby got voted off tonight. Why? Not because the other teammates decided it was her time to go, but because Abby asked them to send her home. She saw that her four other teammates needed to be there more than her because she had found herself again because of the ranch and was ready to go home. Her teammates had it right, Abby is a kind, loyal, giving person. She may not have been the Biggest Loser, but she is my Biggest Inspiration. I hope to find myself to be like her one day, living and not just existing. Thanks Abby, from one mommy to another.

I am back. I know I have been MIA for a few months and really for no particular reason. Today I thought I would share some pictures and thoughts of my summer.

Ever think your kids don't love each other? Take a picture like this and look at it a couple months later. You won't question it.



Nothing like extended family to hang with on the weekends. Laughter is good for the soul. God couldn't have picked a more perfect place for us. Pictured: Andrew, Danielle, William, Matteo, Lauren, Emma, Caleb, Luke and Baby Jake.



Danielle and Luke (who lives across the street) have been the duo this summer. If you ask Danielle who Luke is she will tell you "My boyfrien". The innocence of two year olds. This is one of my favorite pictures. Who knows, it may be in their wedding slide show! LOL!

I started my day out pretty slow, woke up around 9:30 and laid in bed until my phone rang and it was my girlfriend and we were going over the plan for the day. We decided to head to another friend's house to go swimming and just relax and enjoy the sun.

As with many things, I walked into my friend's house and instantly thought of Brett. The last time I was at Lisa's house was with Brett. I could see him everywhere. Lisa has a little boy that is the same age as Brett, so I of course look at him and analyze everything he does and know that Brett would be doing the same thing. The silly jokes, what he says, how he moves, how he acts.

It wasn't until today that I saw how much Andrew needed his brother. Teh boys were playing all day together. Video games, jumping on the trampoline, different dives in the water, the "let's see who can get who in the water first" game. It hit me all at once and this sadness came over me and I have not been able to let it go. Brett should be here doing these things with Andrew. Being that little brother that Andrew wanted so badly and now will never get back. It make me so emotional and sad and yes, angry. I just don't understand why this has happened to us.

I took the first step into getting some help. I went to a family grief support center for a "pre-screened" meeting. The kids and I went about a week ago and I have decided it might be something useful for Andrew and yes, possibly myself. They have the kids make some sort of craft and then talk about their loss afterwards. I think this will be so beneficial for Andrew to talk to other children that has experienced such a loss. For Andrew to be able to talk openly and honestly without the pressure of saying something that might spring tears to my eyes will be a great thing for him. Danielle will be able to participate when she is three, which amazingly is less than three months away.

As for me, yes it will probably be good for me, but I am hesitant because me going to this group is reliant on Andrew continuing to want to go and the last thing I want to do is to make him do something he doesn't want to do.

What I think I have figured out is that one on one counseling might do me some good. It's not just the fact that I have forever lost my son, but it's also how I lost him. The car accident, the screams - mine and Danielle's, the ambulance, the sirens, the helicopter, seeing my son's lifeless body being carried out of the van, the hospitals and machines, seeing a grown man doing CPR on my son's chest, the words "I'm sorry there is nothing we can do", the dreadful decision to take my son off life support, watching them remove the breathing tube, "time of death 2:57", agonizing everyday if I did the right thing, should I have waited. No one can fathom what it's like to go through all of this unless you have been through it. I can now see why my pastor said "your life has forever changed. You will never be the same again." It took me a while to get that. I thought I am strong. My dad died, my grandma died and with time it got better. But little did I know that when a child dies, a piece of you dies with them. There is forever a whole in my heart never to be filled again.

So I think I have finally decided to put myself first. I know I have said this before, but I think I have mustered up enough of that courage to make a call on Monday for myself. I guess there is nothing wrong for asking for help - something I have never done.

So today, Andrew came up to me with this sad look on his face and said "Mom, if you don't want me around . . ." I cut him off before he could continue. I said "What? Honey what are you talking about." He said that he had overheard me ask Chris "when are you coming to pick him up"? I had to explain to him that I was asking his dad when he was going to be home to take him on the trip because he was wanting to do something every minute of the day. A trip would help with his boredom. I told him that I always wanted him around and NEVER wanted him to go any where. He smiled and said ok with a kiss and a hug. It's amazing what little ears hear.

Love you big boy! (Andrew's nickname since he was a baby.) The picture below is a self portrait from a week ago.