Mommy's Little Man

When my life turned upside down that horrific night of December 7, 2008, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I did good to choke down one What-A-Burger chicken strip, that's how bad it was. I drank coffee and soda so I had something in my system. I had to function somehow, yep caffeine could be the trick. I lost 20 pounds in a few short weeks.


It had probably been about three days at the hospital with Andrew when our social worker looked at me and said "How much have you slept?" I replied with "maybe a couple hours" as I burst into tears. A couple of hours was not an exaggeration. How could I sleep? I had nightmares every time I closed my eyes. I could see and hear everything - the blood, the headlights, the car, the sirens, the helicopter, my kids crying for me, my screams, metal on metal, crash, my lifeless child. Everything! How could I possibly sleep. It was so much better to be awake. At least that way I could "control" something.


He told me to call my doctor and ask for something to help me - "at least for now". I took his advice. I called my doctor's office and had to tell a unexpected nurse the news about my little man, only to hear her gasp on the other end and not have any idea what to say to me. I told her "I need help to sleep". She proceeded to say "I'll have the doctor call you." I was given a drug that now I can't remember, but it didn't work. The first night home to see Danielle while Andrew was in the hospital, I had to have my mom sleep with me - the first time in 30 years I needed that. I couldn't be by myself because of the nightmares.


After the funeral and family going back home, things settled down at my house and I fell into a "depression." That's normal, right? I mean I just lost one of my precious children. A piece of my heart, my soul. I remember feeling lonely, guilty, not wanting to live. I wanted my my sweet boy back with me. I walked around like a zombie.

When I finally went to the doctor I was put on anti-depressants and anxiety pill. Obviously, we all know what the anti-depressants were for, the anxiety pill was to help me get back behind the wheel of a car and to sleep, without the nightmares.


Flash forward to now - 22 months later, and I have now decided that I am going to attempt to go off the anti-depressants. I am tired of taking a pill everyday. I am hoping I can do this. I can feel a side effect. Haziness, light headed, airy, anger, stand off(ish) to a point. Those that know me well have already noticed (and you know who you are) and it's only been a few days.

I have prayed to God that he will help me through this next "battle" I face. This is the first step. The anxiety pill will be down the road. I am not sure when that battle will be. I am afraid of the nightmares. My "daydreams" are enough to haunt me.

Will I ever be normal. The normal I was 22 months ago, never. The "new" normal is me now, but it sucks having a new normal. It sucks - big time.