It's the day before Thanksgiving. Why is it that Thanksgiving is the day that smacks you in the face and makes you think about why you are grateful. Do you every ask yourself why don't we think about this every day? Now I have to admit, that was me last Thanksgiving. The day that I sat down and thought why I was so thankful. But not any more. I think about my gratitude and my blessings everyday. One of the many lessons I have learned since that dreadful night last December.
So tonight on this Thanksgiving Eve, I thought I would share a few things I am so grateful for:
- God.
- My Life.
- My children.
- My hardworking husband.
- Andrew having his last surgery on Tuesday and that he is finally DONE!
- Raising $1800 to help kick off Brett's Blessings foundation and all the people that helped bake the baked goods.
- Phone calls and text messages to see how my day is going even though it's been almost a year.
- A Safe Place to Heal.
- Journey of Hope
- A friend that got my $700 speedometer repair work done under warranty.
- Old friends that have stuck by me through thick and thin, even though I may be an emotional wreck.
- New friends that don't questions my motives and support me as if they have known me for years.
- Giordani, Swanger, Ripp & Phillips law firm and Cindy Grossman for helping me set up Brett's Blessings foundation and doing it pro bono!
- My neighborhood and the people in it.
- Stonebridge United Methodist Church.
- Facebook - for all the many resources it offers.
My list could go on and on, but then I would be here all night.
I must admit it's hard to be thankful during this holiday because I am still grieving so much and Brett is constantly in my thoughts. The holidays are really tough. The anniversary of Brett's death is soon approaching and Christmas is just around the corner. But what I have realized is that I was given four in a half years of love and joy from my sweet little man. Something that can never be taken from me although he was taken too soon.
So I challenge yourself when you wake up every morning to ask yourself what you are thankful for. Unfortunately, life happens at a blink of an eye. You should cherish the moments - always.
I leave you with this beautiful picture of all three of the kids from last Thanksgiving. So happy and grateful that I have this picture to remember it. Love you Brett. I hope God is saving you a turkey leg.
I told myself that I would write this blog entry the day after Brett's Celebration - April 19th. Well as you can see, it is three weeks later. I totally crashed and burned after his celebration - yes for three weeks. I found myself sitting on the couch again, not wanting to move or do anything. Not even to socialize with friends, which is not a common occurrence for me. I think after the hustle and bustle or getting things organized and prepared for two months and it finally coming to the date and having it done and gone was hard to wrap myself around the thought that I had nothing to focus on but my grief.
But on this eve of Mother's Day, I find myself wanting to write. Not sure why, but God works in mysterious ways.
The rain had poured for three days prior to Brett's Celebration, but the day of could not been any more beautiful. The weather was about 76 degrees and windy. She I could have done without the rain, but I would take it over the rain, at least the wind would not stop this beautiful day of remembrance.
I started my morning off by going to church and listening to beautiful songs song by people of various ages and to great sermon. After the service, my family, Chris, Andrew, Danielle and myself joined Stonebridge United Methodist Church. Myself and the children were baptized and to my surprise I felt some sense of strength during the baptism. I devoted myself to God and am leaning on Him to help me with this devastating experience that I was chosen to have.
I headed home after feeling a sense of peace and telling myself to focus on what this day means for me and my family. I help set up tables, chairs (donated by Bounce House of McKinney), red table clothes and photo centerpieces for the 150+ plus guests that we were expecting. Below is just one of the 10 centerpieces we had made. My sweet little man:
At about 2:00 p.m. we had lots of family and friends arriving for this Celebration of Brett's Life. At the tender age of four, he truly impacted so many lives. The most things people remember about Brett is his smile and his eyes. He was a handsome little boy with an infectious smile. You couldn't help but smile back.
We were blessed to have the main course donated by a local restaurant Chicken Express. Stan, the owner provided seven pans of chicken, buckets of gravy and 3 pans of his delicious rolls. The corn and potatoes and desserts were made my Jessica Donato and her parents Kathy and Loren. Truly an unbelievable spread.
As the children played on the bounce house donated by Hip-Hop Bounce Co. and the swing set they laughed, ran and just had some good old fashion fun. I sat and observed the children and told myself that Brett would be proud. At times I could imagine him right out there with all his friends.
Chris, Andrew, Danielle and myself released first:
And then everyone else. What a beautiful site to see 150 red balloons floating through the sky - I can imagine it's just like angels flying.
I had a couple of people that were not at the Celebration tell me that they saw the balloons and loved it, not even knowing what it was for.
I would like to take this time to do a couple more shout outs. Thank you to Heather and Laura and the parents of Brett's preschool class at Sunshine Kids at SUMC for donating the drinks. Thank you to Ann for doing a beautiful job on the invitations. Thank you to my hood girls (Tami, Andrea, Ann, Maureen, Nichole, Dina and Kim) for helping put together the Brett's Blessings insert and stuffing envelopes. Thank you to Meredith and Jon, Shelly and JD for helping fight the wind and taping table clothes on the table and blowing up 150 balloons. Thank you JD for the awesome sound system for the music. And last, but not least, to my friend and guardian angel that has kept myself and my family grounded since the accident occurred. Christie. You are truly an inspiration to me and to all that know you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for the late night talks. Thank you for putting up with my rants, my anger, my sadness and my many stresses about this Celebration.
I haven't written in about a week, although there were many times that I thought about writing, but honestly I just didn't have the strength to sit down and type it.
April is going to be an excrutiating month for me. A month of many "firsts". I have my "first" Easter and my "first" birthday - both without Brett, within a week of each other. I also had some "firsts" that some people wouldn't think about.
Last Saturday was the Easter Eggstraganza Egg Hunt with my mom's group. My assistant organizers and I put a lot of time and preparation into this egg hunt and we were ready. I personally was getting ready to face another "first". My "first" egg hunt with Brett. I had such pain in my heart knowing that my little man would not be there gleefully running around scooping up eggs and showing me what he got in his basket. What made things worse is that I didn't have any of my children with me that day. Andrew decided he would rather do a sleep over - ok, I would still have Dani. Um yeah, not exactly - 101.7 fever. I managed to muster up enough energy and head to the park and do what I said I was going to do. The entire way to the park, I thought of Brett. My heart ached. I mean really ached. The day got even worse when I was about two miles from the park and the damn car ran out of gas! Ugg, could this day get any worse! Thankfully my friend Christie was behind me and pulled over and helped get me to a gas station. The day didn't get worse, it ended up to be a beautiful day and everyone enjoyed themselves. I made it through the day with a happy go lucky smile - although those that are closest to me knew it was a day from hell for me.
Andrew had his first baseball game of the season last Friday. It was a bittersweet day. I got to see my son that went through four surgeries on his right leg after the accident, hit a baseball and see him run a triple. What a miracle he is! I am so grateful for him. But I did have that ever so present pain in my heart again when I sat in the bleachers and watched two of Brett's friends play, bicker and fight with each other. My baby should have been there. It was my "first" litle league baseball game without him.
Danielle has been sick most of this week and I really did not get out of the house much, which was almost a blessing because I had no desire. None. That is not like me at all. I am usually a "mover and shaker". My desire this week was to sit my rear on the couch and fall asleep. I did manage to go to a local craft store and spend my gift card that my mom got me for Christmas - it only took 3 months, but I need the house to be ready for Brett's Celebration.
Today, I took Andrew and Danielle to the mall to get Easter pictures taken. We didn't do the traditional Easter Bunny picture because Danielle really didn't want to and I didn't have the energy to stand in a line for two hours for her to scream her head off after being placed on the bunny's lap. So I took them to Picture People and I do have to say, that I got some really great pictures of them. Both together and individually, but again I had another "first". My first time to have the kids pictures taken without Brett being in them. As I stood behind the photographer to get their best smiles, Brett was constantly on my mind.
This entire month is really sucks. It's like feeling the pain all over again of the night I had to let my little man go. Constant stabbing of my heart - I wonder how much a person is suppose to take. Does this really get any easier? At the present, I just don't see how.
I do know that my most difficult day is still ahead. The day I gave birth to Brett - April 17th.
I am looking forward to his Celebration. I am looking forward to honoring my little man and seeing a couple hundred people in my back yard with toys for Brett's Blessings and many memories that will be shared.
Today, I ask everyone to say a little prayer for me and my family for the upcoming week. I am going to need a lot of strength and it has to come from somewhere because at the moment it is not within me. I am going to need help.
Andrew, my eight year old, was cleared to run and jump again after almost four months! We were very excited to hear this good news. It means that he can be "normal" as he calls it. He can play baseball, do karate, participate in gym class and just be a kid. For those that may not know, Andrew's leg was severely injured in the automobile accident that took Brett from us. He had four surgeries over a twelve day period with one more to go in about six to eight months.
I woke up this morning at 6:45 when my alarm went off and proceeded to hit the snooze button three times before actually getting my rear out of bed. I was extremely tired since I didn't get home until 1:15 a.m. from bunco with my hood girls. I had every intention of leaving at 11:00 until Maureen, Ann and I started talking and needless to say the time got away from us. It was probably a good thing as well since all of us had our share of alcoholic beverages that night. Gotta love bunco.
Ann offered to pick up Andrew for school this morning and to my surprise she was very awake and even going to the gym afterwards! Wow, I told myself to snap out of it and get yourself going. It was going to be a good day. I had to get ready for Andrew's award ceremony. He had no idea that I was heading up to the school in an hour to see him receive, not one, but two awards. It was going to be a great surprise!
I went to the school and sat there as I watched him search the audience of parents to see if I was there. He finally made eye contact and flashed that smile that melts my heart. The first award he received was for loyalty to friends and classmates. The other was for All A's on his report card. I am so proud of him! For a kid that has has his life turned upside down he has truly shown me that he IS strong.
I excused myself to go out and have a good cry in the car - after all, I couldn't leave as Danielle was looking forward to playing with her friends. That wouldn't be fair to her. I managed to get myself together - or at least I thought I had until I walked into the bounce house area. I sat down and begin to cry again. Some of the preschool mom's walked up to me as they passed out hugs. I said to them "What are the chances that I would be here on this day?" Seriously, I thought, God why are you doing this to me? I ended up having a nice conversation with Janice and Amy and talked about Brett's Blessings and how important it was for children in the hospital to know how special they are.
I made it through the rest of our time at the Zone, came home and put Danielle down for her nap. I was absolutely drained. Physically and emotionally. Just when I think things are good, I get thrown another curve ball. I picked up Andrew and William today from school and brought them back to my house and of course they wanted to play the Wii - their all time favorite thing to do together. Chris got home from a long road trip and he immediately knew something had happened. He put his bag down and was right there to talk about it. Since he was home I took the opportunity to take time for myselfe and go lay down for a while. I ended up taking a three hour nap, something I think my body needed.
As I prepare for Brett's Celebration of Life on April 19th, I have so many mixed feelings.
Brett's birthday is April 17th, he would be turning five. Normally about this time of year I have picked the location of the party, the invitations are done, Brett has chosen his character theme plates and napkins and he is bouncing off the wall with excitement. Instead, I find myself staring at an invitation with a picture of Brett and his contagious smile and the words "A Celebration of Brett's Life in honor of his birthday". Something is so wrong with this. He was suppose to be turning five. He was taken way too early.
I think Ann said it right - "It's bittersweet." I find myself stressing about every detail of this Celebration. I want it to be ABSOLUTELY PERFECT. Chris knew his wife all too well when he thought I would "stress out", but I am trying my best to keep it under control. I love you honey.
We have so many people that are helping with this Celebration that "thank you" just doesn't seem like enough, but it is all we have to give right now.
Today I sent an e-mail out to a lot of my close friends asking for them to dig through two years of pictures and send me any and all pictures that they have of Brett and his friends for the photo book that I am working on. My friends got to work and I already have received some e-mails and photos. Today I would like to share with you one of my favorites. I gasped as I saw this picture. I have never seen this picture before, but I do have to say it is beautiful. This is my little man last year at Halloween. Who could not adore this face?
This Celebration is not only for my immediate family, but also my extended family that loved Brett like their own. Chris and I have started - well I guess you could say foundation, but it's not there yet. We have called this yearly annual toy donation Brett's Blessings. I racked my head for days on what to name "it" and Chris came up with this in a minute and what a perfect name it is. Brett was a blessing. What better way to honor my child than to make other children, of all ages happy?
Brett's Blessings will help bring smiles to children in the ICU at Children's Hospital Dallas. My mission is to ask everyone that I know if they would be willing to donate a new, unwrapped toy for many children who are in the ICU. This year we have picked the ICU department specifically because this is where Brett spent his last few hours before passing away. I hope that next year I will be able to spread this toy drive to Children's Medical Center in Dallas as I have now been told by two people that they have nothing like this. Who knows, if this toy drive gets really big, I might just be able to do it this year. Wouldn't that be a blessing. Please spread the word.
So today I leave you with this: Open your hearts. Give to those you don't know. Someday you might be in need of the same.
