Today I received some 'information' that absolutely infuriated. I was told that an acquaintance, which will remain nameless because I am the better person here, are spreading awful rumors, accusations - what ever you want to call them - down right lies. The rumor is this: I have taken the toys that I have spent countless hours on collecting for Brett's Blessings for children that are Children's Hospital in Dallas and have sold them on Craigslist so I could afford to buy a car. Are you kidding me? Has this person lost her mind?
Now if you know me, you know I would NEVER EVER do this. For those that don't know me and follow my blog, let me assure you I would NOT do such a despicible thing. I am not a fraud. These toys are going to bring so many smiles to children faces that it makes my heart happy. I sent this "person" an e-mail today saying exactly what I felt:
"It has come to my attention that you are spreading hurtful and VERY UNTRUE rumors about Brett's Blessings and me. How DARE you tell anyone that I am selling those toys on Craigslist for a car!! Are you out of your mind? I am sure that you never in your wildest dreams thought this would get back to me, but guess what it did. I don't know what the hell is wrong with you, but leave me and my son out of it. I cannot believe that you have sunk so low. I knew you talked crap about people that were your "friends" but we weren't even that. If I find out that you are spreading more rumors about this beautiful foundation I had set up in memory of Brett I will sue you for slander and that is a promise! You have screwed with the wrong person."
I could have been just as cruel as she, but I chose not to. But I do wonder how people can be so shameless as to spread vicious lies about someone's child that has passed away. A child I can no longer hold, hug, kiss, feel breath. How could they? I can honestly say this is nothing I would even wish upon her.
Now, I will tell you this. We did get a new car and it is exactly what we wanted. Something bigger than my Nissan Quest. Something to make me feel safe - something I have not felt in any car since the accident. Somthing to make my children - whom still fear driving at night time - feel safe. Did I get this car, by being a fraud and using my little man, my child to do it. Absolutely not. I had a lot of help getting this car. First I had the help of the Ewing Dealership in Plano. The owner of this dealership heard about my family tragic loss and out of the kindness of their heart loaned me a car for six months. Why? Because they are good people and knew my family needed help.
This is the 09 GMC Acadia that was loaned to my family that I will forever be grateful for.
The car that I bought was a 2005 Suburban. Low miles. My wonderful neighbor Maris Opfar got me a fantastic deal on this truck. He knew how much this meant to my family. The need to feel safe. If you in the need for a stand-up car salesman, Maris is the man to go to. Go to the Sewell Hummer dealership in Plano and ask for him and tell him Amber sent you.
And this is a picture of my safe zone on the road:
Is it anyone's business how I paid for this vehicle - No. But I will tell you this, it was paid for by the love, genorisity and kindness of friends, family and total strangers. Not by toys for a great cause.
No one has the right to judge me or anyone going through this awful experience of the loss of a child unless they have gone through it themselves and even then, we are all different.
Will Brett's Blessing be effected by this, not if I can help it. This will be a strong wonderful foundation that God has put in my lap and I will make him proud and I will make my little man proud as well.
As I woke up on this morning I wasn't thinking of myself. Mother's Day for me usually goes like this: Go to the mall, take the time to try on some clothes, do a little window shopping, have some lunch, do a little more shopping, maybe buy something and most importantly do it without the kids. After all, I deserve that one day out of the year, right?
But that's not what I was thinking this morning. The thought of another dreaded "first" flooded my head. My first Mother's Day - minus one. Minus one of my beautiful children. Minus my little man. My Brett. I think today I actually understood what Mother's Day actually is. It is a day to celebrate all the good and the bad that come with being a mother. Not all Mother's Days go as planned.
I talked with one friend today that was struggling to keep her daughter's fever down, a fever she has had since Friday. I talked to another friend that took her son into an urgent care because she was up all night with him because he had croup. I saw another friend today that held her daughter close because she was sore from a surgery she had on Thursday. I saw another friend that cradled her daughter in her hospital room because she had been vomiting and had diarrhea for three days and was extremely dehydrated. Yes, this is what being a mother is all about. To protect them. To hold them. To kiss them. To be the one person they can trust to be there for them no matter what the cost. Did they plan their Mother's Day to go the way they did? Nope, but things change at the blink of an eye.
Obviously this is not a day I ever envisioned myself having. Was it hard? Extremely. Was it hard on Chris to not be able to be here for me today. Most definitely. Did I had that void? Just like every other day, just more so. Did I cry - when do I not? Was it a typical Mother's Day - absolutely not. But what I learned from my "first" Mother's Day without Brett is this: Every mother should be grateful to be called Mommy. It is the most important job we will ever do in our entire lives. Children are blessings. The most precious gift any of us will ever receive. Cherish them every day because you just don't know how long you will have it. I was blessed for four years with Brett. My little man. And yes, he still called me Mommy.
This was our traditional Mother's Day photo taken today:
And in honor of my little man, this was our Mother's Day photo last year:
You are missed baby boy. Today, tomorrow, yesterday, everyday. Mommy loves you - always.
I told myself that I would write this blog entry the day after Brett's Celebration - April 19th. Well as you can see, it is three weeks later. I totally crashed and burned after his celebration - yes for three weeks. I found myself sitting on the couch again, not wanting to move or do anything. Not even to socialize with friends, which is not a common occurrence for me. I think after the hustle and bustle or getting things organized and prepared for two months and it finally coming to the date and having it done and gone was hard to wrap myself around the thought that I had nothing to focus on but my grief.
But on this eve of Mother's Day, I find myself wanting to write. Not sure why, but God works in mysterious ways.
The rain had poured for three days prior to Brett's Celebration, but the day of could not been any more beautiful. The weather was about 76 degrees and windy. She I could have done without the rain, but I would take it over the rain, at least the wind would not stop this beautiful day of remembrance.
I started my morning off by going to church and listening to beautiful songs song by people of various ages and to great sermon. After the service, my family, Chris, Andrew, Danielle and myself joined Stonebridge United Methodist Church. Myself and the children were baptized and to my surprise I felt some sense of strength during the baptism. I devoted myself to God and am leaning on Him to help me with this devastating experience that I was chosen to have.
I headed home after feeling a sense of peace and telling myself to focus on what this day means for me and my family. I help set up tables, chairs (donated by Bounce House of McKinney), red table clothes and photo centerpieces for the 150+ plus guests that we were expecting. Below is just one of the 10 centerpieces we had made. My sweet little man:
At about 2:00 p.m. we had lots of family and friends arriving for this Celebration of Brett's Life. At the tender age of four, he truly impacted so many lives. The most things people remember about Brett is his smile and his eyes. He was a handsome little boy with an infectious smile. You couldn't help but smile back.
We were blessed to have the main course donated by a local restaurant Chicken Express. Stan, the owner provided seven pans of chicken, buckets of gravy and 3 pans of his delicious rolls. The corn and potatoes and desserts were made my Jessica Donato and her parents Kathy and Loren. Truly an unbelievable spread.
As the children played on the bounce house donated by Hip-Hop Bounce Co. and the swing set they laughed, ran and just had some good old fashion fun. I sat and observed the children and told myself that Brett would be proud. At times I could imagine him right out there with all his friends.
Chris, Andrew, Danielle and myself released first:
And then everyone else. What a beautiful site to see 150 red balloons floating through the sky - I can imagine it's just like angels flying.
I had a couple of people that were not at the Celebration tell me that they saw the balloons and loved it, not even knowing what it was for.
I would like to take this time to do a couple more shout outs. Thank you to Heather and Laura and the parents of Brett's preschool class at Sunshine Kids at SUMC for donating the drinks. Thank you to Ann for doing a beautiful job on the invitations. Thank you to my hood girls (Tami, Andrea, Ann, Maureen, Nichole, Dina and Kim) for helping put together the Brett's Blessings insert and stuffing envelopes. Thank you to Meredith and Jon, Shelly and JD for helping fight the wind and taping table clothes on the table and blowing up 150 balloons. Thank you JD for the awesome sound system for the music. And last, but not least, to my friend and guardian angel that has kept myself and my family grounded since the accident occurred. Christie. You are truly an inspiration to me and to all that know you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for the late night talks. Thank you for putting up with my rants, my anger, my sadness and my many stresses about this Celebration.
Today is April 17, 2009. Brett would have been 5 today. I woke up this morning and immediately started to cry. This is THE most difficult day I have yet to experience.
My day was suppose to go like this - friends meet at my house at 11:00 a.m., go to the cemetery, proceed to lunch. How did my day really go? Well the good old Texas weather messed up my plan and everyone knows that I don't like when something doesn't go exactly as planned. I feel like I fail. The rain started to fall about 10:45 a.m. and it was pouring buckets. My girlfriends and their kids hung around my house for about 45 minutes in hopes of the rain passing. We were out of luck - it just seem to rain even more.
Plan B in effect. I decided we would go to lunch first and then head to the cemetery. We went to Cotton Patch, which seems to become a favorite of mine and Mom's (Eileen). The place was packed, but fortunately we were able to get tables. We enjoyed our lunch and left about 1:40 with the rain still falling and the wind blowing about 40 mph. I was going to the cemetery and nothing was going to stop me - not even mother nature.
Just as we got to the cemetery and bought our flowers, the rain stopped and the winds died down. Someone was watching over us. It was an unexplainable feeling to be at my son's grave on his birthday and what was even more surreal is I was there at the time he was born - 2:03 p.m. We cried. We laughed. We prayed.
I was told by a friend to make sure that I take time to myself today to remember my sweet boy, this would be my only "first" birthday. I did just that. As everyone left I had time to talk to Brett - mother to son. I knelt beside Brett's headstone and sang him Happy Birthday and told him how very much I love him and miss him as I felt his pictures on his stone.
My heart breaks today - again. My life is like a roller coaster and I am waiting for the day that I can get off of the ride. It might be a long ride.
As I sign off today, I thought it would be nice to share some pictures of Brett from his 4th birthday. Happy Birthday Baby, I Love You!
This is Brett at his favorite pizza place, Peter Piper Pizza. He had his party here.
And here is My Little Man and I enjoying his special day.
I haven't written in about a week, although there were many times that I thought about writing, but honestly I just didn't have the strength to sit down and type it.
April is going to be an excrutiating month for me. A month of many "firsts". I have my "first" Easter and my "first" birthday - both without Brett, within a week of each other. I also had some "firsts" that some people wouldn't think about.
Last Saturday was the Easter Eggstraganza Egg Hunt with my mom's group. My assistant organizers and I put a lot of time and preparation into this egg hunt and we were ready. I personally was getting ready to face another "first". My "first" egg hunt with Brett. I had such pain in my heart knowing that my little man would not be there gleefully running around scooping up eggs and showing me what he got in his basket. What made things worse is that I didn't have any of my children with me that day. Andrew decided he would rather do a sleep over - ok, I would still have Dani. Um yeah, not exactly - 101.7 fever. I managed to muster up enough energy and head to the park and do what I said I was going to do. The entire way to the park, I thought of Brett. My heart ached. I mean really ached. The day got even worse when I was about two miles from the park and the damn car ran out of gas! Ugg, could this day get any worse! Thankfully my friend Christie was behind me and pulled over and helped get me to a gas station. The day didn't get worse, it ended up to be a beautiful day and everyone enjoyed themselves. I made it through the day with a happy go lucky smile - although those that are closest to me knew it was a day from hell for me.
Andrew had his first baseball game of the season last Friday. It was a bittersweet day. I got to see my son that went through four surgeries on his right leg after the accident, hit a baseball and see him run a triple. What a miracle he is! I am so grateful for him. But I did have that ever so present pain in my heart again when I sat in the bleachers and watched two of Brett's friends play, bicker and fight with each other. My baby should have been there. It was my "first" litle league baseball game without him.
Danielle has been sick most of this week and I really did not get out of the house much, which was almost a blessing because I had no desire. None. That is not like me at all. I am usually a "mover and shaker". My desire this week was to sit my rear on the couch and fall asleep. I did manage to go to a local craft store and spend my gift card that my mom got me for Christmas - it only took 3 months, but I need the house to be ready for Brett's Celebration.
Today, I took Andrew and Danielle to the mall to get Easter pictures taken. We didn't do the traditional Easter Bunny picture because Danielle really didn't want to and I didn't have the energy to stand in a line for two hours for her to scream her head off after being placed on the bunny's lap. So I took them to Picture People and I do have to say, that I got some really great pictures of them. Both together and individually, but again I had another "first". My first time to have the kids pictures taken without Brett being in them. As I stood behind the photographer to get their best smiles, Brett was constantly on my mind.
This entire month is really sucks. It's like feeling the pain all over again of the night I had to let my little man go. Constant stabbing of my heart - I wonder how much a person is suppose to take. Does this really get any easier? At the present, I just don't see how.
I do know that my most difficult day is still ahead. The day I gave birth to Brett - April 17th.
I am looking forward to his Celebration. I am looking forward to honoring my little man and seeing a couple hundred people in my back yard with toys for Brett's Blessings and many memories that will be shared.
Today, I ask everyone to say a little prayer for me and my family for the upcoming week. I am going to need a lot of strength and it has to come from somewhere because at the moment it is not within me. I am going to need help.
I heard something on the television today that had absolutely nothing to do with my situation, but it totally related to me. "I am strong, but a strong person also has to allow themselves to be vulnerable." A lightbulb went on.
I was a very shy child - (yes I know some of you find that hard to believe) - until my life came to a halt. I experienced what I thought was the most pain in my entire life - the loss of my father. Jim Perdue was a wonderful father of six children. He was happy, young, full of life, a good husband, a great provider. He cared for me, he loved me, he was my daddy and he was not blood related. He was my step dad, although those words never crossed my lips. He was my daddy. He passed away on a cool California night in January of a heart attack at the age of 44. I thought my life was over. There is nothing that can replace that special bond with your father.
With the passing of my father came strength. I told myself that if my daddy wasn't going to be there to protect me then I had to do it myself and make him proud.
The strength has helped me get through a great deal in life, but for some reason, my strength seems to be deteriorating within. It is hard for others to grasp this, but I do because this is my life. My own personal hell.
I cannot hear, see, touch or smell Brett. I cannot hear his sweet voice. I cannot hold his hand on his way out from preschool. I cannot hear him breathe as I cover him up at midnight before going to bed. I can only see his sweet smile in pictures instead of right in front of me. The only way I can touch him is to go to his gravestone marker and touch the pictures we had placed on it. This by far is the greatest pain I have EVER felt in my life. I still wake up EVERY morning thinking it was all a bad dream.
People look at me at being that strong willed, out spoken person and that I am just going to bounce back to being my "normal" self. I have no idea what normal is, I cannot just sweep this under the rug and move on. This is my life. I lost my child. I AM vulnerable. I looked up vulnerable in the dictionary and I read "capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt." Yes, that is ME. I need others to be my strength until I am strong enough on my own. Sometimes the strong need to be carried, held, loved.
I have always been the one to give. For me to receive so much from so many was not an easy task, but I have learned to accept it because I NEED it. I have learned that I am on a downward road that I need help climbing back up and am hoping to do so in time - with lots of help.
I have learned that to be vulnerable is to be human.
Today Shelly and I walked into a Christian book store in search of a bible that I can actually understand. I looked at several bibles and decided I need to wait until I can afford one as they are not cheap if you want a good one. So I proceeded to look at all the gadgets they had in the store - crosses, key chains, bookmarks, etc. I got some great gift ideas and will be going back as my girlfriend's birthdays approach. I looked a books and read a few back covers, none of which screamed read me. Shelly and I were leaving and I said I wish they had some books on grief from authors that lost children. Well low and behold, they did. Shelly said they do and took me to the Grief book section. We sat down on the floor and proceeded to look through the books.
I found books for loss of spouse, how to deal with grief, becoming a widow - none of which I was looking for. A book title then caught my eye Roses in December. The author is Marilyn Heavilin and she has lost three sons. This book screamed "read me". I felt almost an instant connection just by her title since I lost Brett in December. The next book I picked up had a red balloon on it and is called Safe in the Arms of God (truth from heaven about the death of a child). This book also caught my attention, but not the initial title, but because of the picture on the cover. A sky with a cloud and a single red balloon. You see we will be doing a balloon release at Brett's Celebration - red balloons because it was Brett's favorite color. It seems ironic to me that both these books had some symbolic meaning for me. They screamed out my name. I decided to buy both. Maybe these books will give me some peace? Just not sure if anything will ever help answer my questions.
