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The Not So Joyous April

I haven't written in about a week, although there were many times that I thought about writing, but honestly I just didn't have the strength to sit down and type it.

April is going to be an excrutiating month for me. A month of many "firsts". I have my "first" Easter and my "first" birthday - both without Brett, within a week of each other. I also had some "firsts" that some people wouldn't think about.

Last Saturday was the Easter Eggstraganza Egg Hunt with my mom's group. My assistant organizers and I put a lot of time and preparation into this egg hunt and we were ready. I personally was getting ready to face another "first". My "first" egg hunt with Brett. I had such pain in my heart knowing that my little man would not be there gleefully running around scooping up eggs and showing me what he got in his basket. What made things worse is that I didn't have any of my children with me that day. Andrew decided he would rather do a sleep over - ok, I would still have Dani. Um yeah, not exactly - 101.7 fever. I managed to muster up enough energy and head to the park and do what I said I was going to do. The entire way to the park, I thought of Brett. My heart ached. I mean really ached. The day got even worse when I was about two miles from the park and the damn car ran out of gas! Ugg, could this day get any worse! Thankfully my friend Christie was behind me and pulled over and helped get me to a gas station. The day didn't get worse, it ended up to be a beautiful day and everyone enjoyed themselves. I made it through the day with a happy go lucky smile - although those that are closest to me knew it was a day from hell for me.

Andrew had his first baseball game of the season last Friday. It was a bittersweet day. I got to see my son that went through four surgeries on his right leg after the accident, hit a baseball and see him run a triple. What a miracle he is! I am so grateful for him. But I did have that ever so present pain in my heart again when I sat in the bleachers and watched two of Brett's friends play, bicker and fight with each other. My baby should have been there. It was my "first" litle league baseball game without him.

Danielle has been sick most of this week and I really did not get out of the house much, which was almost a blessing because I had no desire. None. That is not like me at all. I am usually a "mover and shaker". My desire this week was to sit my rear on the couch and fall asleep. I did manage to go to a local craft store and spend my gift card that my mom got me for Christmas - it only took 3 months, but I need the house to be ready for Brett's Celebration.

Today, I took Andrew and Danielle to the mall to get Easter pictures taken. We didn't do the traditional Easter Bunny picture because Danielle really didn't want to and I didn't have the energy to stand in a line for two hours for her to scream her head off after being placed on the bunny's lap. So I took them to Picture People and I do have to say, that I got some really great pictures of them. Both together and individually, but again I had another "first". My first time to have the kids pictures taken without Brett being in them. As I stood behind the photographer to get their best smiles, Brett was constantly on my mind.

This entire month is really sucks. It's like feeling the pain all over again of the night I had to let my little man go. Constant stabbing of my heart - I wonder how much a person is suppose to take. Does this really get any easier? At the present, I just don't see how.

I do know that my most difficult day is still ahead. The day I gave birth to Brett - April 17th.

I am looking forward to his Celebration. I am looking forward to honoring my little man and seeing a couple hundred people in my back yard with toys for Brett's Blessings and many memories that will be shared.

Today, I ask everyone to say a little prayer for me and my family for the upcoming week. I am going to need a lot of strength and it has to come from somewhere because at the moment it is not within me. I am going to need help.


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