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18 Months

Brett has been on my mind a lot lately. This time of year is really rough for me. Everything that has to do with the beginning of school seems to be a trigger. I hate that Brett can't be here to start first grade. It's been a while since I have had "those" pains. The pains where you feel like a sharp knife has stabbed and you feel like your heart is going to be pulled out with it. Yeah, those pains.

And then the anger comes back. I am angry with God for taking my sweet boy from me, I am angry that I made that frickin' left turn, I am angry that the doctors couldn't save him.

I HATE the phrase "Everything happens for a reason". Can someone please explain to me what the reason was for my son to be taken from me? Yeah, I didn't think so.

I didn't start writing this post with the intention of all this rage coming out, but I guess that's the way it is. It's been 18 long months. And while I will say I have had some really good days, the bad seems to outweigh the good. August through December are crappy months for me. School starting, holidays, anniversary, etc. I dread these months. Maybe this time around they will be better? Only time will tell.

I wanted to share with you a picture that I received today of Brett. This was taken in January 2008 at Brett and Andrew's friend's birthday party. While I at the time probably cringed at the site of Brett's face (since I have issues with messy hands and faces), I am not cringing now. What a beautiful child I had. What a beautiful angel he must be. I love you baby. Mommy always thinks of you and will forever love you.


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