I have been meaning to write in my blog, but every time I think about it, I am too tired to get off the couch to do it. But I am sitting at my computer this morning and thinking now is the perfect time to do it.
It's been a few months, the last I wrote was after the anniversary of Brett's passing. I made it through Christmas, but it was extremely hard. Christmas Eve in particular. Chris and I sat on the couch after the kids went to bed and finished watching the classic "Home Alone" movie. Chris feel asleep on my lap about half way through and I didn't have the heart to wake him, after all I had to wait anyways to wait for Jolly Ole St. Nick to make his debut. I woke Chris after the movie ended to get ready to do our parental duties and I couldn't manage to get up off the couch. I completely lost it. I cried. And I cried hard. There was nothing for Brett, because Brett wasn't with us. It was gut wrenching. I had "those" pains, something I hadn't felt since they told me he had passed and after his funeral.
To think about it today, I am glad I had my breakdown that evening. Something I didn't have to have in front of Danielle and Andrew. They were able to enjoy Christmas without having to worry about their mom and how I was feeling - something they do often. Just a few weeks ago, we were all sitting at the dinner table together (something that doesn't happen often since Chris travels 80% of the time), Danielle innocently asked at the dinner table where Brett was going to sit when he comes home and my emotions got the best of me. Just when I think I have it all together and BAM it hits me like a rock! Brett is gone and he's not coming home. Danielle asked me why I was sad and said "You miss Brett Mommy?" I replied with a soft "yes". A couple hours later we were sitting on the couch and she lightly touched my face and said "Mommy you will be happy when Brett comes home." Whose the mommy here? I explained that Brett was in heaven and that he wouldn't be coming home and one day WE would go to Brett's home with God.
As I write this I realize that Brett is home, but not MY home where I want him to be. He's not coming home to my house, his life that he was suppose to have. I wish my faith was stronger and that I could understand. I guess all in due time.