This has been a rough week and it's only Tuesday. It's the week of Halloween and I am dreading it. My 'first' Halloween without Brett. I didn't buy any Halloween decorations until last week because I didn't think I was going to, but Andrew wanted them so bad and had asked a million times if I was going to get any and I decided to do it for him and he was thrilled with my $10 Walmart decorations.
Today was an emotional day for me. I went to my counselor and got some much needed aggression and tears out for an hour and carried on.
Later in the afternoon, the mom's group that I organize in McKinney (McKinney Mom's Meetup) had an event at Walls of Clay. This is a pottery studio where you can go and paint your own pottery with your children or have a mom's night out and the mom's can paint a piece of pottery. For this event, we took our children to the studio where either a foot or hand of your child is painted and placed on a platter and the art work is done for you. (My kind of deal since I am sooo not an artist). I did this event last year with all three of my children and today I took two. It was hard to not go back to last year. Brett was not the kind of kid that liked his hand painted, (nor his foot for that matter) so getting his foot painted and placed on the platter was not an easy task. My poor little man cried through the entire ordeal, but it was well worth it. I received my platter three days after he passed away . . . three little reindeer's made out of my babies footprints. What a keepsake I will have for the rest of my life, something I would never be able to do again. I managed to keep myself composed at the event and probably spoke Brett's name about ten times to keep things smooth and then I started to crack after Andrew and Danielle did their hand and footprints. I went to the bathroom, cried for just long enough to get it out, and then rejoined the members/friends that were still there.
My day didn't stop there. I proceeded to take my kids to Chick-Fil-A for dinner. I couldn't resist since after all it was for a good cause, Baker Fundraiser Night, 15% of all purchases from 5 p.m. to 8 p.m. went back to Andrew's school and the kids were so good after sitting at the studio for 3 hours. I walked in, order our meals, sat down and realized I had not been at that Chick-Fil-A since the Burdick Family Fundraiser was held. Chick-Fil-A held a fundraiser for an entire day that was for my family and hundreds of people came out to support my family. It was amazing to me to see people walk in with flyer's already in their hand to give to the cashier after they paid. A lot of these people were total strangers.
The kids and I came home and Eileen and I started watching The Biggest Loser. This season has one particular contestant that I was immediately drawn to from the start. Her name is Abby. You see, Abby lost her husband, her 5 year old daughter and her 2 week old son in an automobile accident 3 years ago (2.5 years from the seasons taping). When I first heard her story I immediately thought 'that could have been Chris. His entire family could have been gone in the blink of an eye.' I never thought about that before until Abby's story. I always thought 'Why Brett and not me'? I still don't have that answer, but I do know that Andrew and Danielle need their mommy. Andrew told me that last week as he hugged me in the pantry while we were getting snacks to pack for his lunch. He said "Mommy I am so glad you weren't hurt in the accident." It was totally out of the blue and my heart jumped. Maybe that's why it wasn't me.
Abby has found strength in herself to want to "live and not just exist". Sadly as I watched through my tears, Abby got voted off tonight. Why? Not because the other teammates decided it was her time to go, but because Abby asked them to send her home. She saw that her four other teammates needed to be there more than her because she had found herself again because of the ranch and was ready to go home. Her teammates had it right, Abby is a kind, loyal, giving person. She may not have been the Biggest Loser, but she is my Biggest Inspiration. I hope to find myself to be like her one day, living and not just existing. Thanks Abby, from one mommy to another.