Today I received some 'information' that absolutely infuriated. I was told that an acquaintance, which will remain nameless because I am the better person here, are spreading awful rumors, accusations - what ever you want to call them - down right lies. The rumor is this: I have taken the toys that I have spent countless hours on collecting for Brett's Blessings for children that are Children's Hospital in Dallas and have sold them on Craigslist so I could afford to buy a car. Are you kidding me? Has this person lost her mind?
Now if you know me, you know I would NEVER EVER do this. For those that don't know me and follow my blog, let me assure you I would NOT do such a despicible thing. I am not a fraud. These toys are going to bring so many smiles to children faces that it makes my heart happy. I sent this "person" an e-mail today saying exactly what I felt:
"It has come to my attention that you are spreading hurtful and VERY UNTRUE rumors about Brett's Blessings and me. How DARE you tell anyone that I am selling those toys on Craigslist for a car!! Are you out of your mind? I am sure that you never in your wildest dreams thought this would get back to me, but guess what it did. I don't know what the hell is wrong with you, but leave me and my son out of it. I cannot believe that you have sunk so low. I knew you talked crap about people that were your "friends" but we weren't even that. If I find out that you are spreading more rumors about this beautiful foundation I had set up in memory of Brett I will sue you for slander and that is a promise! You have screwed with the wrong person."
I could have been just as cruel as she, but I chose not to. But I do wonder how people can be so shameless as to spread vicious lies about someone's child that has passed away. A child I can no longer hold, hug, kiss, feel breath. How could they? I can honestly say this is nothing I would even wish upon her.
Now, I will tell you this. We did get a new car and it is exactly what we wanted. Something bigger than my Nissan Quest. Something to make me feel safe - something I have not felt in any car since the accident. Somthing to make my children - whom still fear driving at night time - feel safe. Did I get this car, by being a fraud and using my little man, my child to do it. Absolutely not. I had a lot of help getting this car. First I had the help of the Ewing Dealership in Plano. The owner of this dealership heard about my family tragic loss and out of the kindness of their heart loaned me a car for six months. Why? Because they are good people and knew my family needed help.
This is the 09 GMC Acadia that was loaned to my family that I will forever be grateful for.
The car that I bought was a 2005 Suburban. Low miles. My wonderful neighbor Maris Opfar got me a fantastic deal on this truck. He knew how much this meant to my family. The need to feel safe. If you in the need for a stand-up car salesman, Maris is the man to go to. Go to the Sewell Hummer dealership in Plano and ask for him and tell him Amber sent you.
And this is a picture of my safe zone on the road:
Is it anyone's business how I paid for this vehicle - No. But I will tell you this, it was paid for by the love, genorisity and kindness of friends, family and total strangers. Not by toys for a great cause.
No one has the right to judge me or anyone going through this awful experience of the loss of a child unless they have gone through it themselves and even then, we are all different.
Will Brett's Blessing be effected by this, not if I can help it. This will be a strong wonderful foundation that God has put in my lap and I will make him proud and I will make my little man proud as well.
As I woke up on this morning I wasn't thinking of myself. Mother's Day for me usually goes like this: Go to the mall, take the time to try on some clothes, do a little window shopping, have some lunch, do a little more shopping, maybe buy something and most importantly do it without the kids. After all, I deserve that one day out of the year, right?
But that's not what I was thinking this morning. The thought of another dreaded "first" flooded my head. My first Mother's Day - minus one. Minus one of my beautiful children. Minus my little man. My Brett. I think today I actually understood what Mother's Day actually is. It is a day to celebrate all the good and the bad that come with being a mother. Not all Mother's Days go as planned.
I talked with one friend today that was struggling to keep her daughter's fever down, a fever she has had since Friday. I talked to another friend that took her son into an urgent care because she was up all night with him because he had croup. I saw another friend today that held her daughter close because she was sore from a surgery she had on Thursday. I saw another friend that cradled her daughter in her hospital room because she had been vomiting and had diarrhea for three days and was extremely dehydrated. Yes, this is what being a mother is all about. To protect them. To hold them. To kiss them. To be the one person they can trust to be there for them no matter what the cost. Did they plan their Mother's Day to go the way they did? Nope, but things change at the blink of an eye.
Obviously this is not a day I ever envisioned myself having. Was it hard? Extremely. Was it hard on Chris to not be able to be here for me today. Most definitely. Did I had that void? Just like every other day, just more so. Did I cry - when do I not? Was it a typical Mother's Day - absolutely not. But what I learned from my "first" Mother's Day without Brett is this: Every mother should be grateful to be called Mommy. It is the most important job we will ever do in our entire lives. Children are blessings. The most precious gift any of us will ever receive. Cherish them every day because you just don't know how long you will have it. I was blessed for four years with Brett. My little man. And yes, he still called me Mommy.
This was our traditional Mother's Day photo taken today:
And in honor of my little man, this was our Mother's Day photo last year:
I told myself that I would write this blog entry the day after Brett's Celebration - April 19th. Well as you can see, it is three weeks later. I totally crashed and burned after his celebration - yes for three weeks. I found myself sitting on the couch again, not wanting to move or do anything. Not even to socialize with friends, which is not a common occurrence for me. I think after the hustle and bustle or getting things organized and prepared for two months and it finally coming to the date and having it done and gone was hard to wrap myself around the thought that I had nothing to focus on but my grief.
But on this eve of Mother's Day, I find myself wanting to write. Not sure why, but God works in mysterious ways.
The rain had poured for three days prior to Brett's Celebration, but the day of could not been any more beautiful. The weather was about 76 degrees and windy. She I could have done without the rain, but I would take it over the rain, at least the wind would not stop this beautiful day of remembrance.
I started my morning off by going to church and listening to beautiful songs song by people of various ages and to great sermon. After the service, my family, Chris, Andrew, Danielle and myself joined Stonebridge United Methodist Church. Myself and the children were baptized and to my surprise I felt some sense of strength during the baptism. I devoted myself to God and am leaning on Him to help me with this devastating experience that I was chosen to have.
I headed home after feeling a sense of peace and telling myself to focus on what this day means for me and my family. I help set up tables, chairs (donated by Bounce House of McKinney), red table clothes and photo centerpieces for the 150+ plus guests that we were expecting. Below is just one of the 10 centerpieces we had made. My sweet little man:
At about 2:00 p.m. we had lots of family and friends arriving for this Celebration of Brett's Life. At the tender age of four, he truly impacted so many lives. The most things people remember about Brett is his smile and his eyes. He was a handsome little boy with an infectious smile. You couldn't help but smile back.
We were blessed to have the main course donated by a local restaurant Chicken Express. Stan, the owner provided seven pans of chicken, buckets of gravy and 3 pans of his delicious rolls. The corn and potatoes and desserts were made my Jessica Donato and her parents Kathy and Loren. Truly an unbelievable spread.
As the children played on the bounce house donated by Hip-Hop Bounce Co. and the swing set they laughed, ran and just had some good old fashion fun. I sat and observed the children and told myself that Brett would be proud. At times I could imagine him right out there with all his friends.
Chris, Andrew, Danielle and myself released first:
And then everyone else. What a beautiful site to see 150 red balloons floating through the sky - I can imagine it's just like angels flying.
I had a couple of people that were not at the Celebration tell me that they saw the balloons and loved it, not even knowing what it was for.
I would like to take this time to do a couple more shout outs. Thank you to Heather and Laura and the parents of Brett's preschool class at Sunshine Kids at SUMC for donating the drinks. Thank you to Ann for doing a beautiful job on the invitations. Thank you to my hood girls (Tami, Andrea, Ann, Maureen, Nichole, Dina and Kim) for helping put together the Brett's Blessings insert and stuffing envelopes. Thank you to Meredith and Jon, Shelly and JD for helping fight the wind and taping table clothes on the table and blowing up 150 balloons. Thank you JD for the awesome sound system for the music. And last, but not least, to my friend and guardian angel that has kept myself and my family grounded since the accident occurred. Christie. You are truly an inspiration to me and to all that know you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for the late night talks. Thank you for putting up with my rants, my anger, my sadness and my many stresses about this Celebration.